The Agony of Living

The past week I keep thinking, "Why does it hurt so much to be alive?"

Have you ever been in so much emotional pain that your sobbing is silent, breathless agony? 

The agonies of living sometimes threaten to overwhelm, do they not? 

Behold, these are the wicked;
always at ease, they increase in riches.
All in vain have I kept my heart clean
and washed my hands in innocence.
For all the day long I have been stricken
and rebuked every morning.

Psalm 73:12-14

There is something about the brokenness of this photo that resonates with my soul. To look closely in the midst, the spiderwebs get caught in your hair, the dirty floor grates against your feet, the broken boards poke into your back, and threaten to give way if you lean against them too hard. 

Nevertheless, the sun shines through the cracks, and causes sparkles in the spiderwebs, lends beauty to the rotting wood, and reveals the fresh green of the field beyond. 

How it makes me think of heaven, my eternal home. 

This earth, with all its heart-rending trials is the broken down corncrib, and the sunlight is the (imperfect) illustration of the Risen Son of God, and the hope of eternity with Him. 

Sometimes living feels pointless, and joy seems unattainable. 

The next big adventure will never tame the restlessness of your soul.

The years of "golden retirement" will be filled with emptiness as this earthly body decays all the more rapidly. 

A miraculous healing is still only temporary, and good health is fleeting. 

A promotion will leave you wanting more. 

A big house will have bigger bills, bigger lists of chores, and more worries, as you look for the next upgrade.

Marriage will bring another sinner to hurt you daily, and another person to lose. 

Children will cause you grief, and heartbreak. 

To love is to have pain, to be alone is even more painful. 

Would you be without pain?  Such a life is impossible, such a death too.

There is no respite, there is no hope, there is no breath of fresh air - It is all vanity and striving. 

Oh, dear heart, those are the cobwebs, and poking boards, and grains of dirt - Lift your eyes, do you see the glimmer of the Son shining through the putridness of this sinful age? 

But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their end.

Psalm 73:16-17

That glorious One, He who conquered death and rose victorious, in Him alone is hope, joy, fulfillment - Everything else is passing away, fleeting joys that leave us empty and broken. 

Our hearts were never meant to be satisfied with this world, and its treasures. 

No, indeed - We were created for a better Kingdom, the greatest treasure - Oh, beloved one, you were created to know and be known by the Creator of all things, the Sovereign God who holds your shuddering heart and trembling hands, He who gives breath to your panting lips as you drink of that which will never quench your thirst. 

As a deer pants for water, so our souls are parched for want of knowing Him, of satisfying ourselves in His word. 

Sanctify me in truth, my Lord, and my God - Your word is truth!!! 

Let me not be like Pilate who cried out, "What is truth?" to the very face of Him was, and is, and is to come. Oh, my Savior, may it never be! 

Turn our hearts to you! 

Nevertheless, I am continually with

you; you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;

you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.

But for me it is good to be near God;

I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,

that I may tell of all your works.

Psalm 73:23-28

May every tear that falls water the harvest of the fruit of the Spirit that you are growing in us. 

May every trial serve to make me more like you. 

May the agonies of living as a stranger and alien in the land, only cause me to find fuller richness of satisfaction and joy in knowing you, my Strength and Joy! 

It is good for me that I was afflicted, 

that I might learn your statutes.

Psalm 119:71 

His return is imminent, in this we have confidence!

 To this we look with expectant joy and in that hope we find rest and comfort. 

This aching, agonizing, painful world will pass away, but our God endures forever.

 Why are you cast down, 

O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

 Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

 my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42:11

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
    and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Psalm 34:4-5

Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
    all you who wait for the Lord!

Psalm 31:24

Come, Lord Jesus, come! Our hearts are desperate for you. 

We cry out in longing. Satisfy our hearts! 

Do not let us be satisfied with the passing age, but cause us to thirst for you that we may be satisfied by truth, and that we might glorify you alone.