Unashamed Radiance

Prohibitive Conscience 

People-Pleaser

Over-Thinker

Have you ever described yourself to others in any of these ways? 

What about to yourself? 

What is it that you feel that you diagnose that way? 

I know how my list would begin:

Anxious 

Guilty 

Lonely

Failing 

Ashamed

Uncertain

Floundering 

Oh, how frequently I have felt these ways. I have wept longingly over the following verse:

"Those who look to him are radiant,
    and their faces shall never be ashamed."

Psalm 34:5

I've been pestering myself, chasing the emotions around my brain in circles until my eyes burn with unshed tears, my head aches for striving, and all I want to do is crawl into a deep dark hole and disappear completely. 

Why do I feel this way? 

Way is there this insatiable ache in the depths of my soul, this pit in my stomach, and the knot in my throat? 

"Why can't I be radiant and unashamed?"

Like a sick mantra, I mentally chastise myself for lacking in radiance and determine resolutely to be radiant, and genuine, and not worry about what people think. 

I don't know if you've ever tried to grow in freedom by placing more rules upon yourself of "how to be free, radiant, and unashamed", but let me spare you the trouble of trying and tell you the results. 

It is impossible.

Oh, you can fake it for a time. 

You can keep people at arms length so that they admire you from afar without actually seeing your flaws.

You might even be able to convince yourself for a time, especially if people tell you that they admire you, it fills up the confidence tank with poisonous lies that temporarily fill the void. Here's what I've found though:

The moment that I hear a critique instead of lavish affirmation,

The moment someone disagrees with me,

The moment that I have to make a decision on my own,

The moment that I say something without intending to be funny, and someone laughs,

The moment I realize that I have a piece of salad greenery stuck in my teeth while out to dinner, 

The moment the scale goes up a few pounds, 

The moment that someone asks me what I've been learning in God's word, and I remember how silent He seems that week,

The moment that eyebrows are raised when I am being silly.

In those exact moments, and many more, my facade of an identity falls apart. 

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What is the source of this craving, this longing, this aching, this uncertainty? 

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I could play psychologist and trace it back to my childhood, and events therein. 

I could look through the relationships in my life, and try to explain why I feel the way that I feel.

There isn't any true fulfillment in those introspective meanderings.

We are not created to find out value in the affirmation of other flawed human beings, rather, we were created for the glory of God!

That longing and aching is in each of our hearts, as the Creator's creation crying out for Him! 

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies."

Romans 8:22-23 

It's so incredibly natural and inherent for humankind to seek fulfillment to this ageless ache.

If we are not finding it solely in Christ, we will be seeking it in futility until the day that we die.

I think of Romans 1, what a ghastly description of what happens to the unbelieving person who turns from God. 

Thanks be to God for calling me to Himself, for redeeming me, for opening my eyes to the truth of who He is. 

Even in knowing this, I am still so prone to wander.

Prone to seek my joy, contentment, and identity in people instead of in my Savior.

"The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish."

Proverbs 10:28

What is our hope? Christ is our hope!!! 

"Am I saying this now to win the approval of people or God? Am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant."

Galatians 1:10

It can be easy to use people as my "moral compass' determining what is right and what is wrong, merely based on their word. That is a scary place to be, and so wrong of me to place that burden upon those around me. 

I have a mind, given to me by God, to be used for His glory. 

I must be a faithful Berean of the word of God, and study it for myself, and seek Him on what He is saying, instead of idolizing people in my life, and considering the words of others as gospel truth.

"Now these Jews were more noble than those in Thessalonica; they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so."

Acts 17:11

It's a painful burden to place the shaping of your identity on expecting others to always respond to you the way that you want. It is also damaging to your relationship with God, because, it is sin!!! 

To be a people pleaser, and to excuse it as a personality trait is to continue walking in sin. 

God forgive me for loving the praise of man,and for making an idol of what mankind thinks of me, or what I perceive them to think of me. What self-focused, self-absorbed, pride and idolatry is cloaked in that guise of "insecurity." 

"For they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God."

John 12:43

The genuine empathy, love, care, and kindness that allows us to, "weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice" (Romans 12:15) is not going to be shown in a heart that is so very focused on self.

That heart is too preoccupied with wondering about themselves, it cannot see to the needs of others, nor can it glorify God as it ought, because it is still so absorbed with self, that it refuses to believe that God is trustworthy and true, and has poured out His abundant grace. 

By allowing myself to say, "how could you love me, God?" 

I mock His all sufficiency.

I elevate myself much higher than I am.

I disdain His grace. 

God, forgive me, a sinner! 

"My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous."

1 John 2:1

Only in Him is true joy and contentment found, for Him we were made, to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever! 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

Romans 15:13

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

Psalm 16:11

"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,"

1 Peter 1:8

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Oh, my patient, loving Savior - You have every right to condemn me for my sin, and yet you have shown such abundant grace and daily mercies. Thank you for your faithfulness! 

Forgive me for my self-focused, self-obsessed, prideful, idolatry in the seeking the praise of man, and seeking their affirmation in order to find my identity. 

Would you prompt my heart to seek your face, and to find my rest in you? 

Would you teach me what that even means, and what it looks like? 

Would you work in my heart, by your Holy Spirit, to transform me more into your likeness? 

Into a woman of genuine love, and care, and empathy? 

A woman who seeks to show the love that you have shown to me? 

A woman who cares not for the praise of man, but has quiet confidence in her Savior? 

Create in my a clean heart, O God.

Lift my face to you that I may shine with unashamed radiance as I look full into your wonderful face! 

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