My Wrestlings with Forgiveness

I have battled with forgiveness for years, (for the sake of sharing this, I’ll call the person, “Reilly”)

I cry because I was hurt, and then say that I forgive.

I get angry because of that hurt, and what I feel is injury upon injury, and I feel bitterness in my soul against this person.

Then again I realize that I need to forgive...

I say that I’ve forgiven Reilly, but then I fall quickly back into a pattern of speaking poorly of Reilly, making uncharitable jokes at their expense, and having an overall bitter taste in my mouth every time that I mention them or that they are brought up. 

At least, I thought that I had forgiven them, and while I thought that it was a repeated thing that I needed to do, it kind of ended up feeling like I had earned the right to equate "forgiveness" with cold civility. 

As the scenario is, Reilly would never know how I felt, or how I speak about them, “I’m civil when I see them,” 

I justify my civility (and nothing more) because Reilly has never ASKED forgiveness, or acknowledged any remorse for what they did that hurt me. 

My sweet husband gently pointed out something to me,

“Susannah, I wonder if you’ve really forgiven [Reilly]...” he paused as he could sense me tensing defensively,

“What do you mean?” I asked tersely, 

He inhaled and essentially told me, “you bring up the pain they caused and speak with bitterness that shouldn’t be if you have forgiven them.” 

I took a deep breath, I wanted to scream, “don’t you know how badly I’ve been hurt, and continue to be???” 

As I fell asleep I asked God to help me see if there was any truth in Seth’s words, half hoping He’d show me that I was the one in the right. 

Now, a couple days later, the first suggestion on the Bible app for my phone for this evening was a reading plan with a devotional written by Lisa TerKeurst, it was on forgiveness. 

I don't usually use the reading plans that the app has, in fact, I rarely use the app at all for devotions, more just as a quick reference tool. Nevertheless, I opened it up and began reading.  

1 Peter 5:6-7 is the passage that caught my attention:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:6-7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

It's a good verse in and of itself, my husband has set me an excellent example of asking, "Why?" 

Why is this verse, "good"? What about it is tugging at my heart and calling for attention? 

Humble - What does it mean to be humble? 

            Certainly not: proud, arrogant, demanding, self-serving, entitled...

Mighty hand of God - God's hand, not my own. His is strength that reminds me of my own weakness. He is the sovereign control. (At the reminder of this, I begin to tremble as I see hints of my idolatry of self-righteousness and a haughty spirit.)

Proper time He may exalt - Not of my own choosing, His timing is best and He knows His plan, HE will exalt, not me, (and in that - He will be exalted!)

Casting all anxieties on Him - Not clinging to my anxieties in determination to find my satisfaction by my own means. To give up, and leave at the feet of my Lord.

I wrote on a note in my phone,

“What are my anxieties? What are my fears?  What do I idolize and cling to so tightly? 

-Why do I feel entitled to an apology? 

No... Why do I feel like I’m entitled to my anger, and that person doesn’t get to do right now? 

I’ve removed any desire for them to do right, I say I want them to be saved because that’s what a “good Christian” does, but I don’t really... I don’t want them to change, because then I can’t be angry anymore. Then they're more righteous than I for mending a wrong in the face of adversity and callous indifference. 

I act like a martyr, “I’ve forgiven,” Meanwhile, I’m clinging to this sick self righteousness of, “I’m better than he/she is.” 

God, forgive me! My wretched pride and self righteousness, I’ve sinned against you!"

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:21-35‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭6:35-36‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:15‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭21:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“There are those who are clean in their own eyes but are not washed of their filth.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭30:12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

In my pride, I do easily forget to take my eyes off myself, and to have my Savior be my example. 

He has so forgiven me, SO I ALSO MUST FORGIVE. 

How do I forgive someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness?

Ah, that’s tricky! Right? 

Or maybe not...

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:23-24‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I’ve sinned in allowing my anger to fester, indeed, in continuing in unforgiveness, I’ve mocked my Lord. I claim to be His, and yet I act like the world, entitled, self-righteous, and proud. 

“Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭51:4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I’ve sinned against Him, and to Him I am accountable. This is no longer about Reilly’s sins against me, whatever they were, Reilly will be held accountable to God for their sins, as will I, this is about my sin now, this is about:

My unkindness when I have been called to love. 

My bitterness when I have been commanded to forgive.

A vindictive spirit in the way that I speak, when I have been called to mercy. 

Impatience when I have been called to patience. 

Self righteousness, when I have been called to humility. 

The world says that I have every right to be angry, to hold a grudge, they say that civility is far more than Reilly deserves, and, to my shame, I have basked in the applause while still harboring bitterness in my heart that dishonors my merciful Lord. 

“Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭51:9-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭51:17‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:11-13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I am so thankful for the mercy of Christ to not treat me the way that I have treated Reilly; and I am so thankful for His kindness to use my husband and His word to reveal this sin in my heart.

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:1-8‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:1-8, 10-18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

 I’m overwhelmed by the renewed reminder of the forgiveness and grace we have through the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I am humbled to approach His throne of grace, Him who has so deeply forgiven me, and to ask Him to help me to show self-forgetting, Christ-exalting, love-overflowing, merciful, forgiveness (on a much smaller scale than that of the eternal proportions granted to me.)

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:14-16‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

‭‭1 John‬ ‭1:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Pray for me, friends. 

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. 

Praise be to God that He has not left us, those who call on His name, on this earth alone, but has equipped us with His word, and His Holy Spirit! 

“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭3:16-17‬ ‭ESV‬‬