These Trials Graciously Bestowed

                                                   

 Life has been crazy, chaotic, laden with emotions, slathered with fatigue, and fraught with ever "yet another thing" 

Most days I grit my teeth and resolve to grin and bear it, some days I dissolve into tears telling God, my husband, my mom, my best friend, and anyone else who will listen, the burdens of my heart.

It can certainly be helpful to express those things verbally to another person and to have empathy and advice being given - God made us to be relational creations. But, oh, the lack of joy and thankfulness I have seen in myself recently. 

Faithful saints flit through my mind from day to day of late. Martyrs from the past, the early church, faithful ones with whom I am blessed to share an acquaintance. They've flitted through my mind and then life continues, scarcely leaving time for thoughts to develop. 

Our home is a constant project these days, it feels as though it will never end: the yard needed leveling, the granite stone face (pink and dilapidated) to be removed and put in a dumpster, building supplies to be purchased, and more building supplies to be purchased, garage door to install, patio doors to frame in, outdoor sheds to be destroyed or re-roofed, gutters to be cleaned, deck to build... One thing after another being added every time we turn around, and everything being required on someone else's timeline (lately our home insurance!) Everything costing money that needs to be made. Our furnace and AC needed to be replaced, we were coming on a hot week (this past week) and so Seth had someone come out to have them finish what he had already started, only to find out that it all needed to be taken out and a new one ordered - We had been told to buy the wrong one and it was far too large for our home (which would result in it burning out and self-destructing within ten years.) Packaging, shipping, reordering, and actually having all of this installed would take time... The date available for install was June 15th... (This was all discovered around June 2nd/3rd.) While we were working on that, and waiting - Minnesota, land of ridiculous winters, was rapidly heating up to the high 90s and lower 100s. 

The first couple of days were bearable, but by the time that Wednesday came, we were all thoroughly sick of it! 

Seth and I camped out in the living room Tuesday night to try and stay a mite cooler - At least the living room was bigger so it had more space for air to flow. Wednesday there wasn't even really a difference between the living room and our room - They were just both hot and stuffy and now humid too.

Waking up early and restless sleep because of the heat was definitely taking its toll. We showered with cold water regularly, trying to keep heatstroke at bay, and guzzled water like crazy people.

Wednesday evening after work, I went to my "Gentle and Lowly" book study at my sister-in-law's house. The topic of the chapters (and conversation) that night was on the sovereign mercy of our Heavenly Father, Him who allows trials in love, not malintent. It was discussing even more directly how often our perception of God the Father can be that He is wrathful, while the Son is the One that truly loves us. But they are One, they decided together (with the Holy Spirit) from before the beginning of the world their plan of salvation (Ah, the mystery of the eternal trinity!) - The Father Himself loves us!

The author continued on, referencing Jonathan Edwards as having spoken of God's judgement as "His strange work" - Meaning that it was necessary and right but that it does not bring Him joy or pleasure - And His mercy as being His, "natural work" - That which flows most naturally and joyfully from His very heart. 

His trials are not malicious constructs to bar us from His kingdom or cause us to fail, but they are designed to glorify His name as He works in His people, sanctifying them and making them into His image.

The thoughts began to take form in my mind, those flitting saints standing still for me to truly ponder them. What did they exhibit? The early church in Acts 4 did not pray for deliverance from their afflictions, they prayed for boldness in the midst of it. In Acts 5, the apostles are charged not to speak of the gospel and are beaten - When they are released, they leave rejoicing for the honor of being counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name, and they persist in speaking the gospel. 

I think of dear saints who face illness and physical pain with joy-filled hearts as they pour themselves into prayer ministry and encouraging others. Of those with wayward children who love so faithfully despite constant rebuffing and heartache. Of those who lose loved ones and yet hold fast to the faithful constancy of their Savior. 

They struggle, most certainly, but they persevere and they glorify their Lord by their example.

There is a quiet hope-fill strength, depth of love, and fellowship with the Savior that fills these weary persevering saints. His peace and joy is their reward, peace and joy not contingent on their circumstance.

I realized how different my attitude is from that of those whom I admire, and see exemplified in Scripture, indeed - What I have been called to in Scripture. 

I react so strongly to my minor difficulties, I can weep when I miss my family and friends in Illinois, weep even louder when I realize that Illinois doesn't feel like home the same way that it used to - My heart is torn between Minnesota and Illinois - And then the tears come harder as I realize that nowhere truly feels like home right now. I cling to a brighter tomorrow in hopes of finally feeling like Saint Cloud is home. 

I rejoice that I am finally remembering peoples' names and having conversations, and weep for longing of time-forged friendships and community. Ever looking towards that hoped for future of fewer projects, more time with my husband, having children, paying off various things from all of our projects, having friends... I have been looking to something other than God for my hope, (this seems to be a sadly constant refrain in my life.) 

As I sat there in our book study, a vivid visual example leapt to mind: 

The basket of unfolded laundry in the still air of our bedroom, the unmade bed, the unswept floors, the putting off heating up the stove for as long as humanly possible, the complaining that I excuse, (because clearly, "rejoice" and "give thanks in all circumstances" does not apply when it's 90 million degrees inside) - All these things being delayed while I wait for AC... There is a comparison to the rest of my life, waiting to do the right thing until I feel comfortable enough, waiting to pour myself out as a fragrant drink offering until I feel invited in, waiting to develop relationships when I have more time and space, waiting to have true joy (instead, choosing to complain and hope my situation will change,) waiting until I have children, waiting until the bugs go away, waiting, waiting, waiting... 

Even here in Minnesota, in the midst of wonderful married life, there is still chaotic, overwhelming, beautiful mundane. 

These little afflictions and grievances are graciously bestowed from the sovereign and loving hand of my heavenly Father for my good and His glory. He can be trusted in the midst of every little piece of it, and my joy is not contingent upon Him changing it, for His ways are far better than my ways, and His thoughts are far higher than my own.

Thursday, I awoke and headed to my library to start work - Only to discover that my internet was not working. At all. 2 hours of customer service conversation later (with multiple transfers) I was told that in order to fix the problem a tech would definitely need to come out, it would be $95 and they couldn't come until Monday.... And I'd have to chat in on Friday to actually schedule that visit, because they couldn't schedule it on Thursday. 

I'll admit, I was not thinking of the gracious and all-knowing Savior who had ordained this internet outage - I texted Seth and announced, "I could scream!" 

My employer was gracious enough to help me navigate using paid time off until I could get the internet going again, and my day went on. I was finally able to get my dishes done, floors swept, bed made, and laundry folded, as well as some things that needed to be done outside - (I felt very accomplished, I cleaned gutters!) 

Maybe the physical labor was good for my attitude, by the end of the day the morning's feistiness had turned into just sensitive tears when my sweet husband didn't respond exactly as I had planned that he would in response to all of my labor. 

We went to bed and I was finally able to sleep, he had found a box fan in the basement that greatly helped - I loved that fan. 

I got a lot done on Friday too, I tried chatting in to our internet provider to get the tech visit scheduled - The page wouldn't even load. I was frustrated but went back to what I was doing outside. 

After a while longer of working, my dear Seth texted and exhorted me to get myself a nice treat while I was shopping for roofing supplies - I bought a Reece's Peanut Butter pack, the really big pack of 4 instead of 2... I ate one of them when I got to my car, and 60 seconds later the rest were completely melted. 

Shortly after that, I got a text informing me that the box fan (that I loved) had broken. 

Maybe it was the heat, but I definitely wanted to cry again. 

"God, please, somehow make my house cool!" I begged. 

I remembered again in the late afternoon to chat in to the internet company, by God's providential grace - The man that I chatted with realized that he could fix the internet without sending anyone out. Praise God!!! He fixed it! 

I was so thrilled and thankful! And in the midst of my dreading sleep because of the heat, Seth also texted that he would be able to bring his fan from work home for the weekend. I was so relieved! 

That fan is the best fan I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing... It was wonderful! Until 8 this morning when it suddenly turned off... And the ceiling fan turned off... And the lights weren't on... We had lost power. The whole neighborhood had.

Thankfully, it was cool outside (God had answered prayer!) and there was a gentle breeze, prompting doors to be opened and windows opened as much as they can (which is very little.)

I had prayer meeting and was so refreshed, and my soul was reminded that these afflictions too are granted by my loving and merciful Father's hand. He can be trusted in the midst of whatever mundane, whatever chaos, whatever trials He brings. 

I need not fear the unknown, dread tomorrow, or panic in the current moment. He holds my lot and my times are in His hands. He knows my emotions, my little trials, my dreams, my plans. He has crafted them for His good pleasure and in accordance with His will, there is no better place to be.

So the lessons continue and His grace and faithfulness march on even when my heart is so incredibly selfish and faithless.

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it for He has made me glad!